Tuesday, 24 August 2010

Waxing Moons and Waning Hopes

Tonight at 1 a.m. the August moon will be full.  I think I will try to get out there to see it ... either in my kayak on the lake or on the bridge over the Gatineau River.  I am glad I live in a safe place where such ventures are not madness ... and I am glad I am still up for such hijinks.

Which brings me to the waning hopes ...

I guess the preamble to all this should be the disclaimer that I don't really move through life hoping to "find someone" I have found a lot of someones over the years, some wonderful, some not so ... and I have now reached a stage in life that is very comfortable ... I have found/discovered/learned that the only person who will always be with me is right here now ... and I finally like being with her.  So I am not really looking for someone any more.

But ... that said ... there is always the niggling doubt ... the one that says, "You are not truly complete alone.  It would be nice to share meals with someone you love.  It would be nice to shake him awake at 1 a.m. and say, ‘Let's get dressed and look at the moon.'"

However, the chances that I will find a partner I can love are becoming slimmer all the time.   For one thing sex is no longer making demands in that insistent way it did when I was younger.  Now it takes time to show its face, and then it merely flirts with the idea.  I have to like the person before I even notice him that way. And I finally understand what all that fuss was ... you know the one where women said, "I'd rather be cuddled."  Me ... I'd rather share laughter and conversation ... ideas and adventures ... and yes ... cuddles and kisses too.

The problem is that men my age are falling apart. I  met a very nice man about a year ago but he has so many disabilities that I can't imagine us spending much time together.  It is exhausting being with him.  I would rather exchange emails.  I am going to meet another man this week, but he too has physical and linguistic limitations that make it unlikely that he will be the one.

And then there are the men who are younger ... who are likely looking for women younger, slimmer and more athletic than I am now.

One day bodies will be superfluous and there will only be meetings of minds.  When that particular rapture comes, age and infirmity will be a thing of the past.  But until then I need to find someone who is just right for me.  Not too smart ... not too stupid ... not too silly ... not too serious ... not too active ... not too infirm.  Someone who can climb 39 steps, shovel snow, and get up at 1 a.m. to see the full moon, but who has no desire to crack a whip behind me asking me to ride faster or ski further.  I am past wanting anything to do with a man who sees women as projects to get into shape.

I suspect  tonight my moon-gazing companion will be a black furry friend who also likes to nap between adventures ... if we wake up in time ... a friend who loves me just as I am.


Barbara Carlson said...

Woman born when we were thought we had to have a man in our life to be a success. Having someone to giggle with is great, but if you don't you are not any less of a great woman, Barbara. I am honoured I know you.
Think of me at 1 AM. I saw the moon last night about that time and it was so bright I could read by it. It will be lovely tonight.

Oma said...

Thanks for the message, Barbara ... I will think of you tonight ... and also of Lois who sent me a private message regarding this post.

Hugs to both of you.

kingmisha said...

I don't know what to say. Having just visited with you recently, I had no idea that you are still bedeviled by that yearning. I saw a very remarkable woman with so much insight and experience, no man I know could ever match her in this life.

Your yearning makes me sad for myself and I lose hope that at this age we still can't feel complete on our own.

You are so much more than you think my friend.