Feeling Scattered

I will be glad to get on the road. I am feeling totally scattered just now, a bit like a horse pawing the earth as he waits for the starter's gun. I have things to do but many of them cannot be done till I am almost walking out the door. As a result I flit from one thing to another and don't do the things that keep me sane and fully human. I am always living in tomorrow, and today is like an angry bluebottle buzzing round, annoying me.

Yesterday I went to the June luncheon at my old school. It was an odd affair. The retired teachers outnumbered the active ones, and there were no Board personnel present. The school principal was forced to work at the Board all day , but he provided the wine and dropped in between interviews for a new VP and a reception for the retiring Personnel Director.

The teacher responsible for setting everything up forgot to do it. (No she wasn't one of the old ones who had lost her marbles; she was a young teacher.) As a result some older staff members, some retired people and a couple of members of the support staff hustled and got things together at the last minute. They felt it was important to honour the teacher who was retiring after spending most of her career at Philemon. I was glad I went, because it is important to show people that what they did for all those years matters to their colleagues. She was a teacher who gave more than she needed to give to earn her pay cheques. Most teachers I know do.

In the photo, Maxine, has a corsage stuffed into her cleavage, a bottle of white wine and a box of tissues beside her. She gave a good thank you speech ... some laughs ... some tears ... but also some strong words about what is happening to the education system. Apparently teachers are no longer permitted to evaluate students honestly. If a student hands in no work at all he get 35%. If his work is late it is no longer possible to penalize him. Her words were for those teachers still active, the ones who will need to stand up for their right to teach; the ones who will be responsible for teaching students not only the things they need to pass exams but also what they need to know about life. Nobody gets a free ride in life. When you do nothing, you get a zero for your efforts. If you are late it may well be too late ... and you will have to pay penalties or interest.

When teachers are forced to be dishonest with students they cheat them of an education.

I was reminded of what Mud Mama told me about the Waldorf conference she attended this week. The main presenter spoke about cheating our children of their childhood if we don't teach them to become loving responsible people. Being spineless and always giving or giving in creates self centred people who expect something for nothing.

Afterwards I came home, threw sticks for Kenya, picked up broken glass, watched French Kiss, and tried to calm the thoughts buzzing my brain before I went to bed. By four this morning I was at the computer doing some editing for a friend. I will need to get some sleep before I head out for a busy afternoon and evening or I will fall asleep at the African Kings show at Lansdowne Park!

On Balance

I wrote the other day that what I missed about youth was the energy, and the ability to focus. I do miss those things, but even more I miss the excitement of being alive.

I enjoy the comfort of accepting who I am. I revel in the peace of quiet pursuits in an environment I love. I love being retired, with no external demands on my time. I like not having to accommodate anyone but the dogs I gather around me. I even find myself delighting in knowing the easiest way to do most tasks so that life seems easier now.

BUT ... my father was right ... everything is 50% good and 50% bad ...

The stresses of life have all but disappeared, and in their place is a warm bath of contentment. I need stress in my life if I am not to drowse off in the bath.

Maybe that is why I take in dogs. Maybe that is why I chose to build this house in this difficult location. Maybe that is why I have traveled in tough places. Maybe that is why, at 63, I spent three days in Uganda learning to whitewater kayak. Maybe I have kept myself slightly off balance all my life in order to hold onto the excitement of being alive.

One part of me seeks the balance and serenity; the other misses the sensation of being fully alive that I derive from unknowable places, new loves, prickly fears. The trick, I suspect, is to create the tightrope between safety and risk.

Way, WAY back when I was in Teachers' College, in 1960, I was taught History and Philosophy of Education by Paul Nash. He made us examine for the entire year the balance between freedom and authority in education. Now I am examining the tension and balance between a version of these two in my life.

Several years later I took a literature course from another excellent teacher, Robin Mathews. He did not lecture on a book until we had read it on our own, decided what was the most important idea, and handed in our essays. He made us take risks and responsibility for our ideas. He didn't want us to be safe; he wanted us to think.

Both men influenced how I taught my own students. Now I discover, these men are teaching me how to approach life as I age. Once the constraints of a job and the safety net of doing what is expected of us have dissolved, we have to re-invent ourselves. We have to discover a new balance between freedom and authority; between the comfort of safety and the excitement of risk-taking.