Shaking Up My Life

I have been feeling lately (ever since I started having trouble with my eye ... and especially since I started taking prednisone) that I need something to grab me by the throat and pull me right into its vortex so that the hours will fly because I am fully engaged.

I used to be a passionate person ... passionate about human rights ... passionate about teaching ... passionate about politics ... passionate about literature ...

I could be consumed by crafts or art or learning or traveling or teaching or writing or baby groundhogs.

I felt completely alive then. Now I feel as if I am putting in time waiting to get up, waiting to go to bed, waiting for the next meal ... waiting to die.

I need to be learning and growing. I can't be too comfortable, it seems. And this place is becoming just too comfortable.

I am torn between that comfort and the need for an adventure.

One of the problems, of course, is that I am getting older and I have less energy so the familiar is, like a warm bath, easy to sink into. But if you stay in a warm bath long enough it gets cold and your fingers get all wrinkly. You have to keep adding hot water and eventually you have to get out and replenish your own natural oils.

Coincidentally my horoscope was on this very topic:

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Before she died at the age of 101, photographer Ruth Bernhard attributed her longevity to her restlessness. "Never get used to anything," she advised. I recommend that approach to you right now, Gemini. You're in a phase of your astrological cycle when thinking big and wild and free will be rewarded. To improve your physical health and boost your mental hygiene, unfamiliarize yourself with the people and things you've grown accustomed to. Sneak away from your habits. Disrupt and tamper with your normal responses. Find good excuses to be unpredictable.

So I decided this morning to do something quite out of character. I went to a shopping centre on this side of the Ottawa River. Rona was having its seniors' discount day so it was a good time to buy big logs for the fire. Here in Wakefield I can buy them for $8.29 plus tax or $9.36 a box. At the big Rona an hour away (and who knows how much gas to get there) the price per box with the old lady discount came to $8.42 per box. Because of the weight, the condition of my road and the type of vehicle I drive I could only buy 5 boxes so I saved $4.70. It would have been a whole lot easier to simply buy a couple of boxes every time I was in Wakefield anyway. Two fit comfortably on the sled and carrying 30 pounds twice is easier than facing the prospect of yet another trip to the car to make another harrowing trip down with the next load.

Since I was there anyway I decided to explore the shopping centre. . I ignored the fact that I hate to shop and plunged ahead into Winners. There was not a single thing in the entire store that even whispered "Buy me". Next stop was the stationery store. I had been meaning to buy organizational supplies like file cards and dividers for some time. So that was a pleasant experience, one that made me feel I had finally checked those items off my list without undue stress.

Then I committed the real sin ... I did the unthinkable. I went into Walmart. I was overwhelmed by stuff. Do you know they are a drugstore, a hardware, a pharmacy, AND a department store? I had a few items on my list that I bought there ... from their pharmacy ... and walnuts from their grocery shelves ... and a healthy dog treat from their pet supplies ... Then I remembered that Mud Mama said Walmart was a good place to buy wool. It was the wool that was my undoing. I spent nearly $20 on it. My total bill came to $31.49. I paid and slunk away ashamed and embarrassed. I hope all my politically correct friends will forgive me.
I promise I won't be doing it again soon.

It did not feel good to "sneak away from my habits" there. I have to find other ways to shake up my life, to be unpredictable.

Next Monday I will attend Tamarack's official opening. Maybe that will be a better way to start the process of coming back to life. The resumption of my normal vitamins might also help. While I was on prednisone I didn't want to make it harder to decide just what was a side effect of that drug and what might be attributed to anything else I was ingesting, so I stopped taking anything that was not prescribed.

So ... a toast to life and filling the well and doing the unpredictable ... but first I am going to have a nap!