Feeling Small

I had an experience recently that made me feel very small. It had been a long time since anyone made me feel that way, and I didn't like it at all.

I thought about the times I have made other people feel diminished and wish I could erase them. I know I made my older children feel that way when I noticed their mistakes instead of focusing on their achievements. I think I wanted them to be like well-trained dogs who never embarrassed me in public. I don't think I did that as often to my younger children and I know I didn't do it with my students.

How was I made to feel small? I wasn't allowed to help. I couldn't cook or wash dishes or help clean up. I felt as if I would be in the way. As a result I felt at first like a princess being waited upon and then like a huge burden. I began to question everything about my competency.

It didn't help that Kenya was in unfamiliar situations all summer and everything she has been encouraged to do to make our lives easier here on the lake didn't fit in, so by the time I got to this situation, I already felt as if my competency as a dog owner was in question. The dogs at this particular place were all city dogs trained to obey instantly. And the ones who hadn't completely got the message were disciplined so often it was annoying.

Dogs were never allowed to figure out their pack order. A human always intervened, whether it was necessary or not. I know there are situations in which humans must intervene because the dogs are not capable of recognizing some things. Rob's ancient and infirm dogs, for example, needed protection from Kenya's exuberance and loud voiced bossiness. Poor Chloe fell right over one time when Kenya yelled at her for eating her food. But these dogs were all young and healthy and quite capable of establishing rank order without interference. None of them, including Kenya, were vicious dogs who might inflict injury.

I value the fact that Kenya can think independently because that is what works best for her in our hermitage. I want a dog that barks when there are intruders of either the two- or four-legged variety. Once I assure her that she needn't worry about it, she usually stops barking.

It is important when you live on a lake that your dog think for herself and deal with new situations by considering things and then acting intelligently. A dog which responded to commands unquestioningly would be less likely to be able to figure out what to do when the ice was breaking up or when she was out of my sight. A dog that is totally dependent on people would not be much help in looking after other dogs either. I want a dog that can think for herself, but such a dog is not always obedient.

And in Kenya's case, because we look after other dogs, she is also very bossy. It is all sound and fury but such bitchiness can be misinterpreted.

I have never been able to train Kenya to come the instant she is called, and I doubt if anyone could without breaking her spirit. Here at the lake, she comes when I want her to, she always shows me where she and the other dogs are when I ask her to, and she stays on our property and keeps the other dogs with her.

But here at the lake she doesn't have to deal with busy streets or people and dogs passing by the house every few minutes. And she never has to protect her food bowl from the ravenous appetites of Labs.

I think this trip must have been really hard on Kenya, even though she was a great traveler who patiently endured hours and hours of driving. I think she likely felt small too because she was getting into trouble for things that had been accepted or encouraged all her life; because I couldn't allow her to use her strengths; and because she went from being a partner to being a burden who could embarrass me in front of strangers.