On Missing ...

Kerry mentioned missing her chiropractor and doctor from back home now that Arrow has a middle ear infection ... and she knows that if she gets sick too she will miss me.

I miss Kerry ... I miss knowing she is a short drive away ... knowing I can drop in on my way to or from town ... knowing that I can give the little ones a hug whenever I need one ... knowing that Maurice is always supportive of his mother outlaw.

She phones often and a hugely smiling Sam is up front and centre on my computer screen, but it is not the same thing.

Sarah is the closest thing to having Kerry here now. We speak briefly nearly every day ... just connecting ... just knowing that there is a real neighbour on the lake ... and we go for walks with the dogs on the weekend. And of course Kenya and I see Remi every day. I will miss them when they move. When Remi sometimes has to force her attention away from the sticks she guards from him, I remind Kenya not to waste the time she still has with Remi. One day they will move and she will have lost her best buddy.

And isn't that always the way it is, when we have people we love around, we take them for granted. We don't take advantage of the time we have together. And when they are no longer with us we miss them and wish we had used every minute we had together far better than we did.

A day never goes by that I don't remind myself that big dogs live short lives and every step Kenya takes away from puppyhood toward sane adulthood is a step closer to the day we will have to say goodbye. I sometimes think I am mad to tinge my happy times with pre-emptive regret, but it reminds me that I need to love her while I have her.

I wish I had done more of that with my dad. I used to say I wished I had retired before he died so that I could have spent more good times having fun with him, but what I really wish is that I had fully realized that he would not be with me forever and that I had made the time.

I wish I had met my half brother much earlier, and that we had lived closer and been able to talk more before he died too young.

I wish my children who are too far away geographically or too busy with careers were closer and that we could spend more time just being together. Big family get togethers are better than nothing but they can't replace the day to day life that people live together when they share ideas, thoughts and laughter incidentally. Oh I am not such a romantic that I don't realize that when people live in close proximity they often get under each other's feet so that we feel like shoving them away. But we have lost something important now that the family farm has been replaced by our very different socio-economic reality.

Some people seem to manage to hang on to the old values, the old closeness, the responsibilities. I think my oldest daughter is doing this with her children. A good friend has always done this with her parents and her children and is now doing it with her grandchildren. I think Kerry and Maurice live inclusively and accept the prickles along with the hugs.

I do miss having her close by. I miss having family around me.